And if you're not in the mood for whining, I suggest you find another page to read now.
The sucky part is I don't feel as if I can whine. My friends here are all civilians, and their attitude is, "You knew he was going to have to leave when you married him; why are you whining now?"
I didn't realize when I married him how intense the loneliness would be, especially after spending three weeks home when I was completely alone for only one day. I didn't realize how heavily the burden of caring for Grace and taking care of the house would lay on my shoulders.
Don't get wrong; I love my solitude a lot of the time. I could have umpteen friends here in Washington, but after everything I've gone through with people that I thought were my friends, I am content to have just a few really good friends. I don't mind spending most of my time in the house with nothing more to do than housework, watching TV, reading, or stitching.
But every so often, I want to just bang my head against the wall. I want a hug. I am so very much a touchy-feely person that going six months with hardly any touching is excruciating. When Kurt's home we are almost always touching, whether it's simply our legs touching on the couch while we watch TV or our fingers actively entwined. It's so hard to sleep every night without Kurt's weight pressing down the other side of the bed, without his warmth causing me to overheat and throw the covers off.
It's hard to think that he's only been gone two months, that I have four more to go. I am not even halfway through and I don't know how I'm going to make the rest of it.
Plus I don't really want him to know how I feel. It stresses him out when I'm feeling like this because he's so used to fixing all my problems, and this is one problem he can't fix. It's not like he could come home, and that's the way to fix my problem.
I guess part of it was finding out that his ship's main mission would be ending in late August, and then hoping against hope that he'd come home then. Apparently once this phase is over with, they'll be doing more missions before they come home, whenever that is -- late October, I guess. It doesn't help that I don't know when Kurt will be home. He could be home late September, any time in the month of October, or even November. Hell, if Bush decides to ramp up the war in Iraq again he could be gone for Christmas. I don't handle the unknown well.
The ship has an active spouses' club with lots of activities to keep us busy, but because of where we live it's not practical for me to join. There are a few of us who live on this side of the Puget Sound, but we don't get together or anything. There was talk of having the wives (there is only one woman on Kurt's ship; I can afford to be non-PC) on this side get together, but it never materialized. Most everyone who lives on this side anyhow are so much older than I am and have much older children.
I'm starting to want to eat because I'm bored, which is something I have never done in all my life. I don't want to start eating for comfort because for the first time in YEARS I am under 200 pounds, and I want to stay there. Every so often, I'll get a hunger pang, then realize that I'm only hungry because I'm bored. It's a good thing I don't have junk food in the house because I know I'd be snacking constantly.
I just have to yank myself out of this funk. I know I will make it, but right now I'm just wallowing in it. I just don't feel like "putting on a happy face" like I do most of the time.
I just want Kurt to come home soon...