I've been reading the early diaries of Anais Nin, and I have come to the conclusion that I don't think enough. Anais's favourite activities were thinking and writing in her diary, and as a result, her diaries are extremely introspective. As I read the entries written by a 16-year-old girl, I realize that I don't really know myself, not the way that Anais seems to know who she is. I need to learn how to just sit... and think. Learn who I am. Learn what I need to work on to make myself a better person. Stop being so frivolous. I really am one of those "silly" people that Anais seems so disdainful of -- people who just yabber on for the sake of talking, not saying much at all. I want to be someone who's wise and knowledgeable... someone who talks to say something, not just to hear the sound of my voice. I'm not saying that I want to become serious all the time, but I would like to be less silly, less airheaded. I need to recognize my faults and work on them. Usually, I insist to myself that I'm a pretty cool person who doesn't need to work on her faults because they're not that major. But everyone has faults -- I need to be able to submerge them a bit better. I get angry too quickly, and I complain too much. I want to be the kind of person that everyone thinks is so sweet and good. I know it's probably too late for me, since I'm already 21. I'm fairly set in my ways. But I want to be better. I want to be able to quit sulking when things don't go my way -- that is one of my major faults. I need to learn to just enjoy life, enjoy the surprises that are thrown my way.

I also need to learn to enjoy the silence. I don't usually like being alone, and when I am alone the radio or the tv needs to be on. Part of that, when I'm home, is to combat my fear of the dark. But when I'm not alone in the house, but I'm alone in my room, I should shut the radio off. Listen to what the silence has to say and just let my brain think.

I should also start reading the books that every educated person needs to read. I was assigned to read Paradise Lost by Milton my sophomore year of college, but I don't believe I really read it. I just read the parts that I knew the professor was going to quiz us on.

I also need to work on my memory, and to combat my forgetfulness, maybe I should keep a journal. Corey knows how bad my memory really is, and I don't really understand why it's so much like a sieve. Stuff just falls through all the time. My sister asks me all the time, "Do you remember when...?" Sometimes what she tells me jogs something in my head, but too often when someone starts to reminisce, there is a hole there. It feels so weird, not remembering. And I wonder how much of my life I've already forgotten. Sometimes I feel like an Alzheimer's patient because I just can't remember! My memory is just too full of holes....

I would also like to be more creative. I remember being in grade school and desperately trying not to see what the other kids were doing for their art projects so I wouldn't copy them. I didn't want to copy them -- I wanted to be original. But if I saw their projects, I'd be hard-pressed to find something original to do. My roommate is extremely creative. I know she says she isn't, but the ideas she has just blow me away. Liza is also amazing. I just looked at her updated website, and I can't believe how much creativity and originality is packed into her small body. I would love to be an author, but I just can't think of a story line. I love to write... I love to create characters. But I can't ever come up with a plot.

But at the same time, maybe I should just be satisfied with who I am. I can't be too horrible a person or my family and Kurt wouldn't love me as much as they do, and my friends would be far fewer in number. I like to see myself as a good person, but it's hard to know what other people think of you.

Just some random thoughts that went through my head today...