I think I must be a masochist or something. I never know when I'm unhappy. For that matter, I never know when I'm happy. Someone's got to point out what should be obvious to me. It's like when I started dating Kurt, and people kept randomly telling me how happy I seemed... so much happier than I had been. So why didn't *I* notice when I was unhappy with Shervan?? Kurt told me that I was unhappy over Christmas break, and he wasn't even here in the flesh. He told me over AOL. Stina mentioned something about it. But I never listened till I met Kurt, and realized that Shervan and I just wanted different things from a relationship, and that I was always going to be unhappy with him because you can't ever change the person you're dating. A lot of people try... a lot of women are attracted to the "Bad Boy" because they think they can reform them. News flash, ladies -- it never works. If they're bad now, it's because they like being bad.
But that's neither here nor there. Ahem.
The other thing I can't figure out is why, when I DO find happiness, it seems like I can't enjoy it. And I seem to long for those awful relationships. Not saying I would give up a most excellent relationship with Kurt for one with, say, James (for those of you who know him), but thoughts of these awful ex's do cross my mind, and I keep trying to figure out what went wrong. Invariably, I surmise that I messed something up. It's my fault.
BUT IT'S NOT MY FAULT, GODDAMMIT!
The only thing that's my fault is staying with these men for as long as I did. What's my fault is being their little doormat, so they could feel good about themselves. I'm at fault for allowing them to treat me so bad.
Where is my self-respect that would prevent me from wallowing in this self-pity and regret for terrible relationships? Where is the confidence in myself that would recognize that Kurt loves me for who I am? Why can't I see that if he wanted to be with his ex's, he would NOT be with me? Why can I not stop trying to measure up to them? Why do I still feel like I'm competing with them?!
It could be residue from trying to compete with my last boyfriend's ex, the Psychopathic Bitch from Hell. This is how he describes her; I just embellish a bit. I don't know why I did... but I felt I had to erase her from his mind. Maybe it was because she kept bringing her up. It was Barbara this and Barbara that, and he told me all the evil things she would say to him, all the insults she would say and the way she derided him, even publicly. But she was pretty... and she was thin... and every man in Microcenter thought my ex was da bomb for having snagged such a fine woman.
So now I'm in competition with every other woman my boyfriend has dated. Not that he encourages it -- he tells me I'm far better than all of them put together. Why is my self-esteem so low that I cannot acknowledge this? I never take any of his pronouncements seriously... I always think he's just flattering me. And I know it hurts him when I ask him if he's serious. He always responds with, Well, I said it didn't I??
It's my pain that's holding me back. Once bitten, twice shy, and all that. It's fear. It's why I can't see what is wrong with a guy that treats you worse than the dog feces he's just tread through.
I need to start believing my sister. If there's anything my sister has done for me in my short life, it's try to get me to think positively. She has been excellent about that -- she believes in me, thinks I'm a wonderful person, and tries to get me to believe that also. Sometimes it works... mostly it doesn't. Somehow I've got to figure out HOW to believe in myself. But that doesn't come easy... and I can't do it overnight....
Pardon this entry... I think I've been listening too much to that depressed guy on icq that's been yabbering on and on about how he's not good enough for this girl he's mad about... ::sigh::