The problem I'm having most is not so much the working hours (although they're still insane -- Kurt didn't come home from work tonight so the next time I'll get to see him is Sunday. That's eight days of him not coming home, five of which he is in port).
The bigger issue is Kurt's reaction to it. He refuses to see how miserable I am, and all he can do is say, "Just wait another year and it'll be better." I'm at the point where a year is too long.
I am completely miserable out here. I try not to talk about it too much on this journal, but I am way beyond upset about this whole thing. And it completely floors me that my husband, who is supposed to put his wife first, is willing to let me suffer for even one more day.
All I can think of is Dr Phil and the way he's so protective of his wife Robin. He would move mountains in order to make sure she's happy; he says it time and time again on his shows.
Kurt would move a mountain... as long as it didn't affect his career. And right now, mountains can't be moved because if he moved them, it would mess up his career.
So my happiness is to be sacrificed for his career.
He doesn't get how unhappy I am. Over and over again, he tells me that it's not very much longer, to just hang in there.
It's been six years. Six years of my putting up with his crap, of my putting him first, of not getting anything back.
I stopped long ago buying him little presents. Why? He won't buy them for me. Thinks they're dumb. He completely hates flowers. Refuses to buy them. Doesn't care what I think about them.
I stopped long ago trying to do nice things for him. Why? He doesn't notice, and if he does, they're things he expects me to do anyhow. I've got half a notion of just doing my and Grace's laundry and leaving his out. I'm so sick of cleaning up after him.
I'm just sick of the whole situation. I'm tired of being told that "there's nothing he can do." I'm tired of him being okay with my being miserable. I'm tired of being last on his list.
There is no romance left in our marriage. None.
I'm just cold inside. Completely numb.
I just don't want to BE here anymore.