The thing is, there's no light at the end of the tunnel here, folks. And I don't know if I'm strong enough to handle it.
His ship is undergoing a major remodel, for all intents and purposes, as well as a major inspection process. This means very long working hours.
He told me tonight that I can look forward to his being home come May, as the remodel will be completely finished. The problem with that logic is May starts a period of him mostly being underway. Basically, he's gone for nine weeks out of the summer, until late August. Of the twelve weeks of summer, he'll be home for three. And it's not even three in a row.
Then as far as we know, he's home September, October, and most of November. But knowing the Navy, he will have some underway period during those months to gear up for his deployment. And knowing my luck, he'll be gone October 7th (Grace's second birthday, and he already missed her first), as well as October 12th (our fifth wedding anniversary; he's only been home for the 1st and 3rd anniversaries so far).
Come late November, he's deployed for four months to Central and South America, which could easily be stretched to six months. Of course, it's not Iraq, for which I am eternally grateful, but they will do drug ops and another ship of his class, the USS Ford, was rammed by a boat carrying drugs near Miami earlier this month. No one was hurt, but it's not exactly the safest of duties.
So I can't really see a light at the end of the tunnel. This is totally different from his deployments. Every time he's been gone, he's been definitely gone, none of this "maybe I'll come home, maybe I won't." He had called me at 5pm today to tell me he was leaving within the half hour, and then come 10pm he's still not home. When he is deployed, then I can look at a calendar and say, "Around this date he'll be home." But it's so far out in the future that in the meantime, I can get on with my own life. I can plan what to cook for dinner, where Grace and I will go that day, what we're going to do, what travel plans to see grandparents we will make. With this work schedule and not knowing, I'm stuck sitting by the phone every night, wondering whether I should make dinner for me and Grace at 6pm or wait till 7 because Kurt might be home.
It's also getting to the point where I just don't feel like going anywhere or doing anything. I'm totally sliding on housework. I didn't even bother picking up Grace's toys tonight because really, what's the point? Only I will see them, and she's just going to make the same mess tomorrow. It's not like I'm entertaining friends every day, or even a couple of times a week.
I know I need to get out and make friends in some sort of moms' group or something. I've tried that route. The civilians I know don't understand what I'm going through, and their opinion is, "You married a sailor; quit your bitching." I have yet to meet another sailor's wife that I truly get along with (aside from Caroline, but we've known each other for too long!!) simply because I'm either way older than most sailors' wives or way younger. I've gone to the rec center's playgroup and I don't know the right way to act. I've put aside my shyness and tried to talk to people, but I guess I just don't have the knack.
My dream would be to be able to move back home with my parents and just stay with them for the next year and a half until Kurt is sent to shore duty. Then I'll have Caroline just three hours away, my sister will be in Florida and maybe she can come visit (flying with Grace is just too difficult at the moment), my parents can at least watch Gracie while I run up to Whole Foods for half an hour just to get some ME time. But it's not possible to do that. We have a house to begin with, and three pets. If Kurt isn't coming home from work every night, we'd have to get rid of the pets. The house would also be vacant for the times he's underway. We could sell the house, I suppose, but now we're paying for storage, and we'll lose our housing allowance since we're no longer paying rent or a mortgage. So all in all, as much as it would be nice, it's just not possible.
I guess this is what it means to grow up. To just have to suck it up and deal with it no matter how hard it gets.
Problem is, I just don't want to....