I visited my father in the DC area a couple days ago while Kurt was in Pensacola getting his pre-screening done. When I got there, Marty actually welcomed me in, but that may have been because she'd locked the door and had to let me in. I can't remember where my key to that house is. She went back to work after saying hi, and I made myself comfortable on the couch, cross-stitching, after I called the folks I came to see. We ended up taking her basset hound Fred for a walk, and then went shopping at Cosco. It reminded me of high school, when we actually got along. Somewhat.
When Joe called me to invite me to dinner with him and Liza, I had to negotiate missing dinner with the family. I jokingly told Marty I was going to turn her in to the Wicked Stepmothers' Association because she was being so nice to me, and asked if I could get a hug, or would that be too much. She told me it'd be too much.
I don't even know if she realizes it, but that to me felt like a slap in the face.
OK, I know what my dad did to me and my sister when we were small was 100% wrong. There is no excuse to hit little children like he hit us. But he is truly sorry for what he did to us, and he has really tried with Mark. I don't think he's EVER hit Mark, except for a couple of swats on the butt when he was tiny. I feel good that Dad has changed, that he knew that it was so wrong and vowed he'd never repeat the mistake with his son.
But Marty won't ever realize the damage she's done to Michele and me. I have very little self-esteem because she told me at about age seven that I'd always be a "plain Jane." She says things to me without thinking, things that go straight to my heart and feel like poisoned darts. She's never forgiven me for some choices I've made in life, and I don't think she ever will.
And for that, for some of that, I really dislike her. How could she so wantonly destroy a young girl's hopes and dreams so easily? Even as an adult, what am I supposed to feel when she can't even give me a hug? That I can't have a mother/daughter relationship for the woman who raised me? It's wonderful that my mother and I are great friends now, able to talk and have a mother/daughter relationship. But for most of my life I have felt that I have two mothers, the one who bore me and the one who raised me. Marty has consistently ignored how I feel and treated me like I was JUST "Kathryn's daughter." A bit like Cinderella, let me tell you.
For all of Dad's faults, he feels remorse. I don't think Marty's capable of that. Among our discussions, she mentioned how much Dad's worked on his "whining and complaining." Apparently, she thinks that Dad complains too much. I want to know what she has worked on in the last seventeen years. She's worse now than she's ever been, more judgmental and cruel and spiteful. She would never admit to having any faults, to working on anything, but will be the first to lay blame at Dad's feet.
Some days I wonder if Dad's so masochistic that he likes being with her.
With them, it's more of a roommate situation. Believe me, I have to hear far more than I want to about their non-existent sex life.
At least she loves Mark. She's not repeating the same kinds of mistakes that she visited on Michele and me. But spoiling him is going to be almost as bad as her treatment of us.
I just don't see what Dad ever saw in her.
Anyhow...
The good part is that I did get to see all the people I'd planned to. Joe and Liza and I sat in a restaurant for probably close to two hours catching up on everything, and we had a great time. I am so glad that I have rekindled a relationship with them, and I so regret leaving Liza out in the cold in college. But I thought it was for the best at the time. Hindsight is always 20/20, right?
Skittles came over the last night I was there. He only stayed about an hour, but it was great to see him too. There were times at school that I felt that I wasn't allowed to see him, which was really hard after spending most of the summer vacations with him and his friends from high school. I hope to go see him in Chapel Hill after the New Year before classes start up for him again. It should be great fun.
Kurt came home after only two days in Pensacola. His flight was originally scheduled for 11:00pm Tuesday night, but it didn't land until 1:30am. I left DC around 8:30pm that night in order to beat the ice storm that was moving in. Mark didn't have school Wednesday, so I think it was wise that I left twelve hours early.
Dad wrote me an email a couple of days ago that he felt like he neglected me while I was there, that he feels like he should have spent more time with me while I was there. I'd told him I was only there to see them when they had some free time, that I didn't want to mess up their schedule. But it made me feel good anyhow.
But Kurt's out of the program he was trying for. Some of his test scores just weren't high enough, just by a couple of points. The thing with that is now we have to take whatever assignment is out there, and right now that looks like Seattle.
Seattle's a long ways from southern Virginia...
In a way, maybe it's a good thing. Maybe I need to get away from this area and make a clean start. Maybe it'll be good to get away from all the horrible feelings and how I was treated by my so-called friends. Maybe I'll finally realize that the people that treated me so badly feel badly about themselves and make themselves feel better by mocking others. Maybe I'll move on, be happy, and realize that I'm a better person for forgiving them. When I do. :o)
Maybe I've been in one place for too long. It's been five years that I've been in this general area, a full year longer than I've been anywhere else. Maybe it's just time.
Maybe it'll all work out.
Maybe it won't.......