I watched the closing ceremonies for the Olympics tonight (actually, they're still on -- some gent is singing "Waltzing Matilda"), and I wished with all my might to switch places with an athlete so I didn't have to deal with this stress.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm crazy or unstable... I'm the only one that gets as nervous as I do. My friends are nervous and scared, but it doesn't override their lives.
With me it's a physical ailment -- a queasiness in the stomach, shaking of the hands, faintness in the chest, things like that. I don't know how to relieve it. I drink Tension Tamer tea, I watch tv, I cross-stitch, I read, I write in my journal... Always in the back of my mind is what I need to do to get whatever it is done. I can't relax for a second -- I am always strung tightly, taut as a wire. It's not a good feeling.
And it makes me want to quit. Quit school, quit job hunting... I want to go out into the woods, live in a log cabin, and contemplate my toes. Or my belly button -- whichever is more interesting at the time. Seriously, though, I don't think I'm cut out for this kind of stuff. The fabric I'm woven of isn't as thick as it needs to be. I doubt myself all the time, I doubt my skills and my ability to just deal with life. I feel so fragile most of the time.
Tonight I really let it out, poor Kurt. I just started to bawl in his arms like there was no tomorrow, and it's not fair of me to dump on him all the time like I do. I need to grow up, I know I do. I just laid there, crying and howling because I just feel like crap. I need to find some way of coping, and all my strength has just deserted me.
Most of the time I just sit here thinking of how everything will be over by this time next year (we hope), and how great a time I've had in college before now. I need to keep in mind that I will pull through, that I will manage. It's just not looking like it's going to be likely right this moment, and I'm scared.
"We have nothing to fear, but fear itself." Yes, I know that. I realize that. But I'm just plain scared.
I need to be strong....