Unfortunately, that's the only words I remember. Or maybe fortunately... I doubt anyone wants to hear me sing, even in cyberspace.
I'm all alone and going bonkers. No, that's not true. There are certain times when I enjoy the solitude ("enjoy the silence..."), and there are certain times when I crave company. Unfortunately, the one person who has offered to hang isn't quite who I'm craving right now. *sigh* I can't even pay attention to Olympic women's diving, and that's usually a sport I adore.
I couldn't dive... Hell, I CAN'T dive. I've tried... you know, those little wussy diving boards at the local pool that all the little kids do cannonballs off of. Not I, said the fly. I've even tried doing that little prayer dive thing. Can't do it. Nope. Not a chance. I sort of just fall off the board, and it's not cool. I'm scared stiff of running off the board!! *shudder*
Not to mention, that the last time I went diving was at my dad's college reunion many moons ago. I know it was the summer after my 13th birthday because my dad had given me an amethyst necklace on a fine gold chain for my birthday. And going diving in the pool... well, let's just say that I no longer had the necklace around my neck after that. Dad surprisingly wasn't too angry, but after that I got no more jewelry. The next time I did get a necklace was two years later when I was confirmed and baptized into my church, and my stepmother gave me a cross -- on a HEAVY silver chain so I wouldn't lose it again. I have the feeling that any jewelry they give me in the future will have that same sort of durability. :o)
Speaking of jewelry, I got the coolest thing this weekend -- a Scooby Doo watch with ghosts rotating around the face. Excellent!! :o) I love Scooby Doo... back in the day, I used to wish my mother was late picking me up from day care so that I could watch Scooby Doo. :o) Now I have Scooby Doo sheets and a Scooby Doo watch. WOO HOO!!
So now it's an hour and a half later, and I've been hanging out with folks. It really cheered me up, but I've still got stuff bothering me.
I guess the best part of living where I do is having my friends very close to me. My roommate is just the wonderful-est person -- she knows when I want to be left alone and when I want to talk and when I need a hug and when I need to just cry alone.
My suitemate F.T. is one of my closest friends here on campus aside from my roommate, and she's really been there for me when I've needed it. Her roommate Suzanne is also way cool, and I've really loved getting to know her.
So having these three women close to me has been a lifesaver several times, just to know someone's next door when I'm feeling morose and all alone. I get into moods when I want to be with people, but at the same time I want to be alone. And knowing that F.T. and Suzanne are right there when Stina's not around helps a TON.
I'm so wacky. STRESS!! Tuesday is the career fair and I have no resume. I know it won't take long, but I'm so scared about just going. Aside from the fact that earlier the website told us to wear business casual and now they're saying interview attire, but I don't have interview attire! I'm going with Stina later to find a suit...
The other problem is I just don't know what I want to do! I am majoring in computer science, yet I don't want to get stuck as a programmer the rest of my life, and I'm a horrible programmer. I don't feel confident in my skills as a cs major anyhow. So folks ask me, what do you want to do? I reply, I'm not sure yet. Then they tell me that I can do anything with a cs degree. That doesn't help!
Dad tells me I can easily score a $50,000 a year job, and his friend, who's a three-star general as part of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, tells me that for every cs major that graduates, seven jobs are waiting. Yeah, no pressure there... really there's not. I will feel like such a loser if I can't find a job in a reasonable amount of time, or find one that will pay less than $30,000 a year. It's not the money -- although that does factor in because I want to go back to northern Virginia to work -- but rather that everyone's telling me that I should be making this outrageous sum straight out of school.
What if I'm not good enough? What will folks think if I don't meet up to expectations? I know I shouldn't care, that I should only do what my heart tells me to, but it's hard not to care when it's someone, my dad, who's been pushing me to be my best my whole life, and to whom I owe everything because I'm going to such a good school. I didn't even want to apply here, but he told me that I should at least try, and it was the only Virginia school I applied to. When I got in, I was estactic and immediately sent in my yes answer. Without my dad telling me all the way that I CAN do it, I would have settled for one of the colleges in the Midwest I applied to, where I wouldn't have been challenged as much as I have here.
So that's why I'm feeling pressure. Plus, I don't want to disappoint my dad. I want to make him proud. I just don't know if I can do it.
But I'll try my damnedest!