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21 March 2007

Fighting a funk
I am fighting a bit of a mini-depression again.

We chose to live where we do because it's in a nice part of town. It's not fancy, by any stretch of the imagination, but with the exception of Psycho Woman next door, the alleged drug dealer, there are no real issues in my neighborhood. Kurt feels safe leaving me here by myself while he's deployed, and I'm very rarely frightened. The time I do get scared, it's more because I have an overactive imagination, rather than a response to an actual threat.

But I live in a neighborhood that is extremely insular. There are no such things as block parties here. I take Grace for walks around the neighborhood and no one is outside. The shouts of children playing outside are an anomaly, not the rule. People take the ferry to Seattle to work, have a long, stressful day, and fight ferry traffic on the way home. By the time they get here, all they want to do is have a beer and watch some tv.

I have a feeling that a good part of the neighborhood knows I am here by myself. I've met people in the neighborhood on occasion through other people, and they'll tell me, "Oh! Your husband's the one on deployment, right?" It's no secret.

But I guess people assume I'm just fine by myself.

Most of the time I am. I am a bit of a loner. There are times, however, that I would just like a little bit of a chat over a cup of coffee, though. As I mentioned in my last entry, my family isn't particularly close, so I don't hear from them very often. My mom's tried to be better about calling me, but with her working full-time, driving my brother to and from his classes at the community college, taking classes herself, and transporting basset hounds for the rescue agency she volunteers for, she doesn't have a whole lot of free time.

The one that really bothers me is a good friend of mine. During Kurt's first deployment, I went everywhere with her. If she was going to Costco, she would take me with her. If she was going to have coffee, she would bring me some. She was really good about keeping me busy and my mind off Kurt being gone. But with every subsequent deployment of Kurt's, she's drifted away.

I don't expect her to be as hands-on as she was during the first deployment. But I wouldn't mind a phone call once a week or so to check on me and make sure I was doing okay. She's made me more promises than I can count and managed to renege on most of them. There have been promises to go to the coast, or out over the mountains, or down to Oregon. But then when the time comes, she never mentions it again. If she doesn't want my company, why does she even invite me at the outset?

I've tried to make other friends here. I get out and do things, like taking Grace to Cabin Fever and to her art class to meet other moms. But it seems like everyone has all the friends they want, and they don't need any more. It reminds me of when I moved back to Virginia just before my sophomore year. That high school is fed only by one junior high, so folks made their friends in seventh grade and by the time tenth grade rolled around, there was no way I was going to be accepted into a group. It also didn't help that my biology teacher told me flat-out at the beginning of the year (when I was still a new student), that if I wasn't such a loser I would have more friends.

I wasn't terribly fond of that teacher.

Thank goodness for my best friend anyhow. She may be in Virginia, but I know I can call her whenever I need to and chat with her. Maybe I'll take her on a lunch date with me one day. She can go out to a restaurant near her home, and I'll go to one here, and we'll have a date!

I can't wait to move in August, though.




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