And yet the house feels eerily empty.
J took Grace with her to run errands this afternoon; she and the kids just left. So now I'm home alone, all by myself, for the first time in longer than I can remember. Kurt's taken Grace with him to run to the grocery store or to the hardware store, but I always knew they'd be home in an hour. I've got the luxury today of having Grace stay with J until her bedtime, if I choose.
It's weird. I'm not sure what I should do with myself. It's so rare that I've been alone... only a handful of times in the last two years. Before Grace was born, I was by myself a lot because Kurt was always deployed. But since she was born, I've always had her with me.
It does ache a bit to have her gone. As excited as I am to be on my own, it feels a little empty.
Grace is definitely getting to be a lot of fun to be around. I'm actually really starting to enjoy her. I wasn't always like this...
I wasn't the mother who felt an instantaneous and unbreakable bond with her child as soon as she slipped free of the womb. For one thing, I didn't even get to see or hold Grace until they'd been working on her for over twenty minutes after the birth, and then only for a minute or so. There was a bit of a disconnect as to the baby I carried in my body for nine months and the silent (she never cried at birth) entity on the warming table.
Once I held her, it was still unbelievable to me that this creature was mine. Half her DNA belonged to me. It just boggled my mind.
Over the first weeks and months, we started slowly bonding. I loved her from the first, there was no question about that, but the bond between a mother and her child took longer to form for us than for most people.
Grace wasn't a baby to be cuddled. If she wasn't getting her bottle, she didn't want to be held. She would squirm to get down and lay in her swing or play on the Exersaucer. She wasn't interested in being snuggled. As a result, I would go into her room nearly every night, pick her up sound asleep from her crib, and rock with her. That would be my only snuggle time.
Then once she began to be mobile, first by propelling herself with her feet and sliding on her back when she was four months old to crawling and cruising along the furniture at seven months, she was even less interested in me. I was there simply to get her a bottle or feed her baby food or change her dirty diapers. But she was still fun to watch, especially trying to chase after the cats.
Now that she's almost verbal, she's absolutely a blast to be around. She'll come up to me and tell me an enormous story about the cats or the dog or whatever else, complete with gestures and facial expressions. She chases the kitties, who do their best to escape her grasping fingers. She snuggles the dog and tries to kiss him. When I'm on the phone, she gets mad and wants my attention, so she begs to be picked up. Finally she wants ME... and that just feels nice.
A nice thank you for all the work I've put into providing for her over the last two years.
What better thank you is there than a baby's hugs and kisses?