This morning I woke up and just couldn't come completely awake. At noon I was contemplating taking a nap, I was that tired. I tend not to nap in the daytime because generally it results in problems sleeping that night. But this morning I was really tired.
I have been very lethargic and not wanting to do much of anything -- and I know it's not my diet because I eat right still, and I have to take iron supplements. I just feel like I have the "baby blues" even before I have the baby.
A lot of it has to do with Kurt being gone. My friends, few though I have, are more than willing to help me out with the nursery or getting stuff ready or going shopping for things I need for the baby. That's all fine and dandy -- but I don't want them to go with me. I want the father of my baby to go with me. It would be one thing if I were a single mom who didn't want anything to do with the father. But I'm not. I am married, but am dealing with this pregnancy as though I am a single mom, and it sucks. It's not something I chose.
If Kurt were deployed and had an actual purpose for being gone all summer, I would probably be handling it better. But there is no real reason for his having to go to school right now. There are lots of guys in his rate that haven't gone to C school yet, and he's already been to the DDG version. I think his new ship sent him to school to delay his arrival because they have too many top enlisted engineers; I don't think it really has anything to do with whether he's got the proper NEC code. And that is the world's most frustrating thing.
He's trying to get home early. He started talking about it with his instructor on 5 July, when his instructor came back from vacation. It was only last week that he was supposed to take his first accelerated test, ahead of everyone else. It took three weeks for him to get to that point. But the day he was to take the exam, the instructor couldn't get it because supposedly it's not supposed to be given out early. Then on Friday everyone figures out that what Kurt has to do is fill out a chit and get it signed off so that he can be accelerated. He was told that he would have a decision on Monday. The final answer was delayed, but his Chief told him he would definitely still be able to move ahead. He was to take his first accelerated test today -- but when he came to class this morning, he was told that he had to talk to the Master Chief and the Commander tomorrow and he couldn't take the exam before tomorrow. Again, we play the waiting game.
And that's what's getting me -- waiting. He's been gone eight weeks, and we still don't have a final answer as to whether he would be allowed to come home early. If I had that answer, that if he did everything properly he could come home BEFORE 10 September, it would do a lot to alleviate my stress. I don't even have to have a firm date that he'll be home. Just the knowledge that YES, he's even allowed to accelerate and graduate early, would help me tremendously. And of course, he can't even get that.
At this point, I want to just yell FUCK IT to the world and count on his not coming home till 10 September. Then I would just count on his not being home for the last few weeks of my pregnancy and helping me out with everything that needs to be done. I would count on his possibly not being here for the birth and having to rely on J for my labor coach. I don't want to hear about all the women in the world who have done this without their husbands because they were deployed because there is no good reason as to why Kurt is gone right now. He's NOT deployed, off fighting for freedom or doing his part in Iraq. He's in a stupid school so that his ship won't have too many Petty Officers First Class and Chief Petty Officers all at once. It's just not a good reason. If I had a good reason, it would be easier to handle. It would be one thing if I could tell my child when he's older that Daddy was off fighting for democracy when he was born.
It's too many disappointments all at once, and for such a long, ongoing time. Kurt wants me to look at the bright side of things, and I can't really see one. We planned this baby because Kurt wasn't going to be deployed -- and now I am left to mow the lawn when I'm eight months pregnant and the temperature is nearly 90 degrees.
I don't have a support system here. Talking to people on the phone isn't the same as waking up in the middle of the night and knowing your rock and reason for being is right there next to you if something goes wrong. And there is no one I know who could even begin to know what I am going through. It's annoying that I feel this way because I pride myself on being a strong person, but I feel rather damn helpless at this point. I feel everything so much more strongly now that I am pregnant than I do normally, and I've worked so hard on not letting stuff bring me down. Now I cry at the drop of a hat, and I'm constantly picking fights with Kurt because he's not here. At least that way we can both be miserable.
I've almost gotten to the point where I don't want to talk to Kurt anymore about whether he can come home early or not. I just want to crawl into a corner and hibernate until it's time for the baby to come. If I have everything ready for him, great. If not, it's not a big deal. I can get it later.
It just sucks that this is supposed to be a happy, joyful time for me to prepare for the baby, and instead I can't even begin to crack a smile most days. I would like to be happy, but for some reason I just can't be. I can't seem to see that far.
Perhaps Kurt will have good news for me tomorrow, that he'll be able to come home mid-August if he does everything right. But even as I type that, I don't believe it will happen. It just seems like so much wishful thinking...